An Account on Vampires
(By your most uncultured and illiterate source of horror)
Oh hey there!
It’s me, Macabre – erm, Monsieur Macabre.
Now, don’t be
afraid. Just don’t. You may feel - while entering this room, I’ll rush towards
you, and just extract and either drink or use that precious red liquid for
writing. I do know that the red liquid sustains you. But chill, relax, I just
had my daily 2-litre fill (Er, Franko? Pass that B+ please!). Anyway, sit down
on that gravely-looking gravestone over there, and listen to me, as I answer
the question: Do vampires really exist? Or is it all just a nonsensical, bloody
joke? Along with it, I’ll give you everything you need to know about them
(after all, look at the title!)
Now, the term
‘Vampire’ originated in the 11th century, from the Slovaks,
‘Vampyre’ or ‘Upir’, in Old Russian. Vampires are as nearly old as you mortal
bags of matter – (sorry for being rude) humans. They had many forms: for
instance, the Mesopotamian ‘Lamashtu’, a creature with the head of a lion and
the body of a donkey; the Striges, who were bloodthirsty birds; the Malaysian
Penangallan, who was a flying female head with dangling entrails. Others
include the Phillppine Manananggal, who would severe her upper torso, and had
huge, bat-like wings for flight, and the Australian Yara-ma-yha-who, was a
little red guy with a big head. It had a large mouth, and bloodsuckers on his
hands and feet. There is also the Mexican soucouyant, the West African Obayifo,
and another Mexican by the name of Tlahuelpuchi. They are fascinating, right?
RIGHT? Mwuha-ha-ha-ha!!
(cough) sorry
if I have frightened you. I guess you must have noticed the above-mentioned
entities most common trait: TO SUCK THE LIFE-FORCE OUT OF YOU MORT- HUMANS.
So, how did we
arrive at the gentlem- (Ahem!) corpse that you see over there, seated in the
high-back chair? Well…
It all started
back in 18th century Eastern Europe. At that time, vampire
superstitions and myths had become bedside terrors, and folklore like the
‘Moroi’ in Romania, and the ‘Lugat’ in Albania, were the most common vampires
known to exist. It was even said that we beings were undead, had nocturnal
powers and the ability to shape-shift. You think its nonsense right? Well…
(Narrator
suddenly turns into a huge, dark bat, but immediately comes back to his
original form, due to a scared-to-death scream emitted by the listener.)
I’m extremely
sorry, dear. I didn’t mean to do that. He he…
Calmed down?
Now, continuing…
You see,
Eastern Europe had – at that time – witnessed many deaths due to the outbreak
of many unknown diseases (like rabies and pellagra) and plagues. However, when
the bodies were dug up to discover the cause of the mysterious death, they
would find the cadavers looking very much…uhhh…
ALIVE.
You know, with
longer hair, bloated bellies, longer nails, and most importantly, the red blood
oozing out at the corner of their mouths! Clearly, they were vampires!!
Vampires who would wake up from their graves in the dead of the night, and
feast on the flesh and blood you mortals carry. The European villagers enacted
an act to stop this, which included beheadings, burnings, staking of the body
to the coffin, covering the coffin with garlic or poppy seed. Even reports of mutilation
passed by. If they only knew what happened to a human body after death! A wave
of terror passed through the villagers, who then began to dig up almost each
and every body they could lay their hands upon.
In fact, so
many bodies were dug up that Her Highness, the Empress of Austria (You see,
Serbia was caught in a power struggle between the Hapsburg Monarchy and the
Ottoman Empire) sent her royal physician in 1755, to solve the mystery of the
grave-diggings. After a thorough and vigorous search, he succeeded in proving
that there were no such things as vampires, and that they were just normal
conditions which a body faced after death. Thus, the vampire hunts had a
natural death. (Franko, the O- please? Thanks!)
(Drinking) So,
where were we? Ah yes.
So, even
though the vampire hunts had died down, the ‘vampire’ had already taken root in
the tree of Western Europe’s imagination. It spawned great works, such as
J.W.Polidori’s ‘The Vampyre’ in 1819, and J. Sheridan Le Fanu’s ‘Carmilla’ in
1872. This book would go on to inspire the author of a book which continues
still to give chills down the reader’s spine: Yes, I’m talking about none other
than Bram Stoker’s ‘Dracula’, published in 1897.
In this book,
Stoker incorporated the essence of some stories he had heard from his mother
about a cholera outbreak in 1832 (when he was famously bedridden due to an
unknown disease up until the age of 7), and historical material, like the virgin bloodbaths
of the notorious queen Elizabeth Bathory, and the brutal executions of Vlad Dracul III. But
mostly, it was the Eastern myths which inspired the book most. The elements
created by him also last for so many years. Ironically, it was only a moderate
success in its day (as mentioned in his - *sniff* - 1912 obituary). It took one
1922 silent film called ‘Nosferatu’ (based largely on the novel), some copyright
matters, and a Broadway production to change Dracula’s status from a commoner
to that of a horror monarch. Thanks to Hungarian actor Bela Lugosi
(oh, Happy Birthday to you! R.I.P.) and the 1931 film ‘Dracula’, Dracula indeed
got his many signature moves – the moves by which we know him today. Also, the elements
like his fear for garlic, staking of Dracula’s heart to kill him, weakness in
sunlight, and many more continue to reign horror today. Dracula still remains
at the top of his form, more than 100 years after his creator was laid to rest.
So, as you can
see (perhaps you have met my ancient relatives), many bloodthirsty beings, the
myths of 18th century Eastern Europe, and ‘Dracula’ still continue
to stalk the night, and many more will…for after all, it is the myths and the
folklore, the reimagination and variations of the vampire legend, that allow us
to truly live…and live…forever…
Ha ha ha ha ha
!!
(Narrator
departs as a bat. Though he is uncultured, he knows a bit of something called 'style')
***
M.Macabre
20.10.2020
Dedicated to:
Bela Lugosi (Happy Birthday!)
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