Thoughts of a Troubled Feminine Mind

 

I've seen my uncle being murdered, 

And sister getting badly touched,

I've seen her days in the asylum, 

And how her family broke. 

 

I've seen the marital problems, 

And what results it can have, 

I've seen the broken heart and pale face, 

Of my hopeless helpless uncle, 

Who lost his parents… 

 

I've seen my uncle getting tortured by his daughter and wife, 

I've seen how relationships break, 

And shatter down to endless journeys.

I've seen my aunts fighting for property, 

And killing their family. 

 

I've heard the passionate dreams of my mother, 

And have seen them getting drowned in the sea of duties, 

I've heard the love for instruments of my father, 

And seen them vanishing among the smog of work and family. 

 

And I've also seen souls departing with their promised last wishes kept untouched, 

I've walked down the winter lanes at night alone,

Because father wasn't there to take me back to home,

He was busy at his work in a different State, 

As his job asked him to meet at that gate.

 

I've been through the darkest nights, 

When death was the only thing I could wish for, 

I've stood at the stake of my life, 

And met death, 

But it refused me, 

And promised to come back after some years again. 

 

I've seen the slits on my wrist, 

Felt the itch and the pain, 

I've spent the nights without sleep and food, 

Because no one was back at home to keep me good. 

 

I've seen dreams getting lost, 

And getting broken with time,

I've seen my aunt crying for days but keeping quiet, 

Because her husband was having affairs with someone else, 

And was ready to leave his beloved and his daughter of 25.

 

I've held the cold fingers of the dead body, 

And have seen it turning down to ash as the fire above them grew, 

Of the person I loved, 

And heard all the bedtime stories from, 

None other than my grandparents…

 

 

But, 

I've also read the old love letters of coffee coloured papers, 

Written by my grandfather to her wife, 

I've seen that revealing happiness on their faces while they talked of it, 

I've been said how she waited for his letters,

Counted days and read them at a corner. 

 

I've also read the letters my grandmother kept aside, 

The ones sent by my grandfather's brother, 

And saved the family from getting shattered.

 

I've seen happily married couples, 

Who are the successful individuals of their lives. 

I've seen the men and women of my family, 

To sacrifice and compromise, 

Just to keep their families stable enough to survive. 

 

I've seen the happy smiles my grandmother had, 

While serving lunch to my grandfather.

I went to the parks with them, 

Grabbing just one of their fingers, 

As tight as I could. 

 

I've heard the epics narrated to me by them, 

And the funny stories of my parents,

I've felt the pleasure of hugging them at the end of the busy tiring days. 

 

I've also seen my brother being successful,

And achieve all that he dreamt. 

I've been a part of the happy family conversations and trips too, and been to my native place, 

To hear and see, 

The past of my previous generations, 

And be a part of it too.

 

I know life comes with a lot, 

And leaves too, 

I know happiness comes and goes, 

And so does sadness, 

But I don't know, 

Whether to dream or to not, 

What to dream and what to not?

 

Whether to love or to not, 

Whether to sacrifice and compromise, 

Or to shout out my wishes and run away just for them? 

I don't know whether to stay back at home and fulfill all my duties, 

Which ends coming up with taunts, 

Or to serve myself and be happy? 

 

I don't know whether to live my life, 

Or just let myself go with the flow, 

I don't know whether to plan or to not, 

I don't know what my results will be, 

And whether it could match their expectations or not, 

I don't know how to complete my lessons and backlogs in a chaos I've been gifted with.

 

I'd better not think these and give a halt to my present, 

I'll work hard and not await the results, 

Life will go the way it should, 

Death will come the day my destiny wishes to,

Bring it to my lap,

And fill the peace and happiness gap. 

 

I know there's true love, 

But love can be fake, too.

I'd not wait for any, 

Think of them and ruin the more of me, 

I'd rather live,

Take a deep breath in, 

Then breathe out, 

And continue with the flow, 

Time won't stop for any, 

No matter whether one faces disasters many, 

Or not, 

It never stopped and never will… 

 

On this day of nothingness, 

I'd promise myself, 

That I'd never join the rat race, 

And end up to a life of void, 

I'd not die to earn money, 

But would stop and feel the nature and my family. 

I'd not run after other rats to win the race, 

The race without a finishing end, 

But would spend some time and smile with my family and friends. 

 

Anonymous, 06.11.2020