Parallelogram 2

 

It was night.

(Wednesday night, complete the sentence you are not stupid.)

I was doing some quadratic equations because in 4 months’ time…

Oh, I had said that earlier?

How great.

I can save words.

(great)

‘Man!’ somebody shrieked behind me.

I jumped. This time, it was not the illness…

It was feminine in nature.

‘You!’ it (she) called out again.

‘Y-yes?’ I nimbly timidly replied. I was scared out.

No seriously.

I fell off my balcony.

(Note: No bones are broken over here as it is fiction. Thank you.)

As I got up, I heard in the mist, illuminated by some weirdo streetlights…the voice calling out.

‘DO YOU BELIEVE IN PARALLEL UNIVERSES?’

I screamed.

‘AHHHHHHHHHH!...

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where there are only Kaminazis. Yes, Kaminazis.

Son of a Nazi mother and Kamikaze male pilot or the versa vice.

(vice versa?)

Kaminazis are the most extreme type of people. They’ll use almost everything to get their job done.

INVOLVING FIGHTER PLANES AND ARYAN STUFF.

Just see Homer. He was just down there at the supermarket, buying a carton of milk. It was the last carton, and he was about to take it, when suddenly he heard a proud voice:

‘GiVe ThAT tO mE OvEr HEre.’

Homer turned, and immediately replied back:

‘Not today, you Kamipig! Ha ha, suck it Aryan!’

This was a joke by the way

Which the Kaminazi took the opposite meaning.

He flipped out his cell phone, and called,

‘RELEASE THE WHITE PLANES.’

That was it. The last words were,

‘WHAT THE F-’

 

‘BBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where people literally do what they say. AND SOMETIMES THE OPPOSITE HAPPENS.

Person 1: I literally feel on the top of the world.

(2 seconds later.)

Oh, I’m really over here. Is this Tibet?

 

Person 2: I literally don’t like to be assassinated.

(5 minutes later.)

Well will you look at that. I’m shot BY A RIFLE.

(Wilhelm scream).

 

Person 3: I literally think every cloud has a silver lining.

(3 seconds later.)

Woah, the cloud is so silvery! I literally would go blind if I look at it.

(Another 3 seconds later.)

Why is it so dark over here?

Hello?

HELLO AH-

 

(Thumping noises intensify culminating in a car crash.)

(2 microseconds later.)

Ouch.

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where there are SUDDENLY COCONUTS!

Yes!

Feeling tired after a long day at work.

SUDDENLY, COCONUTS!

Procrastinating from doing homework?

SUDDENLY, COCONUTS!

Riding in a carriage and about to get bombed by a terrorist?

SUDDENLY, COCONUTS!

Wandering through a minefield?

SUDDENLY, COCONUT-

Wait, did a coconut just fall upon a-

 

(top 10 last words before disaster strikes.)

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where everybody faces an existential crisis.

It’s sad to see it.

I mean, One-Eyed Nester the bully faces this a lot.

One day he was riding around in his motorbike when suddenly he saw a girl taking a selfie the wrong way.

‘You can’t take a selfie like that! Ninny!’

Girl: Can you?

(emotional piano chords.)

Nester: Um…you don’t even have a good cellphone!

Girl: Do you?

(MORE EMOTIONAL PIANO CHORDS.)

Nester: Ah..um…y-you can’t talk to me like that! Y-you..

Girl: Can you?

(EvEn MOre EmoTIoNaL PiANo ChORds.)

Yeah, it’s sad.

WAIT.

IS IT?

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where diseases have meaninglessly stupendously longy names-

(no. don’t add the ‘-y’.)

I’m serious.

Mike was the last patient Dr.Gyronpyotrjamesdoofusbaronboomkamijane Jonesjack had to see.

Doc: Come in, Mike. What’s the matter this time?

Mike: Look doc. I’ve been suffering from 2 diseases. It was 1 last week.

Doc: Well…well…what are they?

Mike: The first one is gonorrheadysterenteroistisicringwormia trichanocancerocarbonicprotonic flu and  uriuriurineopoliatanictitanicathleticofarturousprestofeveric tapdanceicscherzozonalviralyolkochickenous pox.

(some moments of ambient cricket music.)

Doc: Oh…well, not to worry! Here take these pills. The ‘W’ pill and ‘X’ pill.

Mike: Sure, thanks. Um, doc, I guess my binary fissionic scrumptiously delirious Alzhemic faggoting maggot problem hasn’t been yet resolved right?

Doc: (sighing) Yep. I tried everything, but sorry…it couldn’t be cured.

YOU’RE GONNA HAVE 4 MILD DISEASES NEXT WEEK.

Thank you.

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where everyday is Hiroshima-Nagasaki.

It’s fun.

Michael Bay would be dying to- is that Nancy?

AH, THE GIRL STILL HAS HEADPHONES!

Who wears headphones at the time of out-of-nowhereingly-unexpectedly atonal dissonanteric ‘KABOOM’ noises all around? There are dozens of planes flying around, dropping little boys and fat mans, and in the meantime there are protests going on for the introduction of ‘Fat Girl’ and ‘Little Woman’ (May Alcott would be proud honestly.)

SO WHY THE HECK DO YOU STILL HAVE-

Oh.

She punched me with her casebook.

Nasty things, child detectives are!

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where all the people are dads. (except the females.)

It’s annoying.

Said one dad called ‘Steve’ to another dad called ‘Dave’…

Steve: Wanna hear a joke about construction?

Dave: Yep.

Steve: Well, I’m still constructing it!

(riotous laughter.)

Dave: That was so good! I’m hungry.

Steve: Hi, hungry, I’m crazy!

(MORE RIOTOUS LAUGHTER.)

(Enter Steve’s wife.)

Will you to stop?

Dave: Why? Is there a traffic controller that we have to stop, eh?

(EVEN more RIOTOUS laughter.)

 

* sigh *

 

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where people throw the things to another who wants them. IT GETS BLOODY SOMETIMES.

 

Evan was doing his homework. His teacher had told him to study about harmony and chord progressions.

He made a mistake.

‘Hey Daniel! Pass me the eraser.’

Danny boy threw it to him. With a soft thup on Evan’s forehead, it landed.

(30 seconds later.)

‘Danny! Pass the sheet music!’

A cluster of white paper doves landed in a tumultuous manner on Evan’s lap.

(30 more seconds later.)

‘Danny! Give me the piano.’

(GHANIAN POLYRHYTHIMC GAMELAN MUSIC INTENSIFIES AS THE PIANO LANDS ON-

(30 more more seconds later.)

‘I swear, Officer! I didn’t-

‘Silence! You have murdered Evan Brooks – your brother – with a piano! I know it’s a law, but you didn’t had to take it literally.’

‘Roger, give the car. WAIT DON-‘

 

‘SKKKKK-CCCCC-RRRRR-EEEEEE-CCCCCHHHHHHHH BOOOMMMMMMM!’

(Cat Wilhelm scream.)

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where everything is quiet.

(silence. Can you feel it?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

(more silence. CAN YOU feel it?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(more more silence. YOU can’t STILL feel IT??)

 

 

 

 

 

 

You have completed the tutorial

(WAIT)

Welcome to Level 1.

(WHAT-

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

 

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER THIRDMALLY ANOTHER PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where there are inconvenient stenographers lurking around. I’m serious.

Michael was watching T.V. His mom scolded him about watching junk and not doing his studies.

‘Yeah, you’re a piece of junk yourself.’ Michael casually said to his mom. THEN HE FROZE.

‘What did you say?’

‘I said nothing.’

‘Or did you?’ A voice came out with a lot of tapping noise.

He turned around and gasped.

As he received 10 continuously simultaneous slaps, the man lifted his glasses and wiped them.

‘I sure do encourage violence!’

Another day, Chief Officer Rufus just caught a criminal – Big Man Marley – doing a robbery of 5 million dollars.

(woah such money.)

‘Well, Marla. I got you now.’

‘Huh! You can’t prove anything against me man!’

‘Oh yes, I can! I have a steno-‘

He turned around, and sighed.

‘Great. He is not here. Well, holy cow. I’ll complain to Scrooge. Seriously, 7 years in a coffin has made you way badder than I had expected…’ Rufus sighed, as Marley ran out of the window, the cashboxes clanking with each other…

Damn it.

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN OUR UNIVERSE…

I got up. And saw no one over there.

Then, I felt something ringing.

Annoying ringing in my ears.

I closed my eyes.

And opened them to find myself in my bedroom.

‘Ahh!’ I sighed. ‘It was a dream.’

I got up and immediately felt a pain in my toes.

There were sprinkled with sand.

Wait, then did I-

Just then, a feminine voice called out, making my eyes pop out so much that they rolled on the floor…

‘ARE YOU A BELIEVER IN PARALLEL UNIVERSES?’

***

M.Macabre

08.01.2021

Dedicated to: Elvis Presley (Happy Birthday!), Thomas Ridgewell, Natalie Madsen, Nemo