Parallelogram
So, the other day,
(It was Tuesday, you dumb twit.)
I was studying some Organic Chemistry. Studying now was
primarily important for me.
Else I had no life.
(lol)
You see, in 4 months’ time (thanks to the roaching virus) we
had something called the ‘Indian Certificate of Secondary Education’ – aka,
ICSE.
(more like the ‘Irritating Catacosmic Suicidal
Extermination’. I dunno know, just saying…)
So, as I completed nearly a sixty of IUPAC (Internal Urinal
Proctoring Application of Catacombs) nomenclature, suddenly:
‘Mac, do you know about any parallel universes.’
I replied (I am so easily distracted.)
‘Well, I dunno man, but I think there might be…’
‘Yeah? What would they be like?’
‘Hmm…let’s see…’
I started thinking…
Meanwhile, there were some other forces going on in the
disturbance nearby…
PARALLEL DISTURBANCES.
Read about them in the meantime.
Let’s start?
MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE -
Where cats can talk, these animals are extremely obedient,
and also let you know…
WHEN WILL THEY SLASH OPEN YOUR FACE.
Take Tim for example (he is over there munching on a bag of
Cheetos). Tim has a Dalmatianic cat. She just went up to him, sat down on the
kitchen counter, and then announced in an annoying shrill voice which would
make Beethoven to turn deaf again:
‘Can i HaVe SoME CheEtOS?’
‘No.’ was Tim’s reply. He didn’t realise the Russian
polyrhythmical Ghanian dubstep electronic music playing behind him...
Five minutes later, Tim had to be rushed to the hospital.
Something enraged Dalmatian slashed open his belly, spilling something
something red thing on the floor.
Poor Tim. Don’t be like Tim.
Unless your title is Berners-Lee.
(you still deserve to die.)
MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE –
Where people just casually shoot each other, the victim
always survives.
Just saw it two days ago.
A man met another man. A man said ‘Hi! Eat lead, arse!’ and
shot the another man casually. Another man just smiled, then took out the
bullet – CASUALLY took out the bullet, and said:
‘Jeez, a man. You need a hint of nickel and manganese over
here.’ Another man said, casually giving the bullet to a man. A man then said
goodbye, and then walked back. Halfway, he shot a woman, who was walking with
another woman…
CASUALLY.
And don’t blame me if you don’t understand anything. If
their names are only restricted to ‘A’ and ‘Another’, what have I to do with
it? They just named it casual-
MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE –
Where, SEAGULL.
That’s right.
Over here, you can’t eat a ham sandwich in peace.
‘Cause when Anita – a proud woman who definitely does the
opposite of what she is told to do – began eating a ham sandwich on a bench
(which was very woody) in a park (which was very grassy) under the sky (which
was very bluey), she heard in the distant air (which was very airy) a cry
(which was very criey?)
She saw a seagull.
Seagulls. They were doing shoutery. Oh, the screamery too –
in a canonic texture…in ¼ time signature with a tempo of 200…
‘MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE
MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE
MINE MINE
MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE
MINE MINE MINE MINE
MINE
MINE…’
(I guess you know how it goes…if not, SHAME ON YOU.)
In such a situation like this, one should run for his/her
life, but as I said about Anita…
SHE DID THE OPPOSITE.
The next day, the newspaper ran the headlines that the
mythical Candyman had returned and has claimed its first kill…
She was found in a park.
R.I.P.
MEANWHI E IN A PARA
E UNIVERSE –
Where its it.
You guessed it, there is no
etter ‘L’
You ike it, right?
But you can sti drink emonade with lots of emons while swinging your egs in the ye
ow sun ight, right?
There’s sti a person
ca ed
arry, right?
Jesus, it doesn’t make any sense, right?
THERE IS NO PO YPHONY!!!
MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE –
Where composers are under the constant threat of the Stalin
police.
There was a time when the 23rd house of
Swordbucklegyronemiadirtyolkeggfrancicsoratter Streetlane was inhabited by a
Tchaikovian family. Emile loved Tchiakovsky (he’s such a nutcracker, nuts!)
while Emily loved Shostakovich (he certainly played a great scherzo with the
government lol). They were talking about dissonances that day. And tritones –
the devil’s intervals. And the number ‘13’.
They played a duo, which had exactly 13 dissonant disgusting
atonal micropolyphonic tritones.
And that was when they heard the whistle.
Next moment they knew, while the black-coats entered the
door (breaking it FBI style) and smashing everything (that was their style of
threatening), a red and blue coat burst open through two windows. Glass flew
everywhere, and they rushed away.
‘Phew, that was the 499th threat we had escaped
right honey?’
‘No, it was 500th.’
‘Oh. That was slightly more than I had expected! Woah!’
MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER PARALLEL UNIVERSE,
Where everyone talks in 8-bit – WHERE’S…M *twang*…voi…
Beep bop bop trink beep bop?
Bop trink pizz trinnnng! Bop bop
Boom top beep bop beep bop loooooo
Twang teriiiiiiiing!
Boooop?
Yui bop beep bop bop…..
BEEP BEEP bopp jing twwwwinanggg....!
BEEP BOPP IUUUUHEUDHIUEJEIUEFUIRFUEFUEHDUEHDUEDUEWROPP
TRIIIINGGGGGGGGGGGG!
(Voice restored)
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE –
Where everyone talks in a ridiculously complicated AND
SOMETIMES MEANINGLESS way. It’s true.
Let’s take a scene:
(Breakfast table)
Person 1: The positive degree of the opposite of ‘bad’ and the
phase immediately after dawn wish to the second person!
Person 2: The same thing to you what Aladdin grants and the
positive degree of opposite ‘bad’ are you, opposite of ‘wrong’?
Person 1: Opposite of wrong first person, first person!
Second person past tense of ‘getting’ third article opposite of ‘small’ and
opposite of ‘peahen’, simple past form of ‘do’ second person, second person?
Person 2: First person, negative of ‘do’ and exclusion of
‘-ing’ in ‘worry’, first person simple past tense of ‘get’ insert definitive
article opposie of ‘peahen’, insert conjunction ‘and’ first person also simple
past tense of ‘get’ the first alphabet – opposite of ‘gander’!
Person 1: Happy Swiss dancing form!
Person 2: Happy Mexican mouth form!
(meanwhile the narrator sighs.)
MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE,
Where everything is foretold to a person.
Yep.
Take Jerry for instance. He went to a doctor’s clinic on
Monday.
The doctor, after vivacissimoic presto hard coughing, read
out:
‘So, Jerry, you’re gonna have a lucky win at the lottery on
Tuesday.
Will win a date on Wednesday.
Will explore the entire world in 80 minutes – thereby
screwing up Jules Verne’s efforts – on Thursday.
And will be joining one of the Communist manifestoes over
here on Friday – the one where the ghost of Che Guevara is the chairman.
‘That’s great? Any bad news?’
‘Only one, but it can be averted – getting a 100-pound slap
from Tom.’
Jerry laughed – a laugh which is given when you successfully
destroy 2 Japanese cities…
‘Relax, doc. I can avert it. After all,
‘I’M A CARTOON.’
Oh yes.
Did you know that no one could ever die in a cartoon?
Yeah, me neither.
MEANWHILE IN JDNCJDNCNH NUMBERED PARALLEL UNIVERSE –
Where trees want to be killed off?!
It’s weird, I know.
But let me explain.
Rebecca was walking down a meadow, when she suddenly heard a
cheery call. It was the Big Tree.
‘Hey, can you please cut me down? Please?’
‘No, never. You were the one who saved my husband. Remember,
those sheep? Uncle Laban was furious when he had to give that money..’
‘Yeah, I know…but, hey. HEY! LISTEN UP!’
As she exited, the tree moanfully groaned.
‘WHY WON’T ANYONE KILL ME? LOOK AT MY ANCESTORS. THEY GOT
KILLED AND THE HUMANS GOT PUNISHMENT. THIS IS SUCH A LOVELY PRANK. I’M OVER
HERE SINCE 2000 BCE…
WHY WON’T ANYONE MAKE ME DEAD?!’
MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE
Where there is no context.
The sun is yellow.
Our intestines are full of gas.
Serial killers kill for pleasure.
I have two laptops.
She said it and slapped him.
Wait,
WHAT THE HECK I’M SAYING?
MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE,
Where people can’t recognize anyone.
Nancy. The girl which had always headphones on.
It’s bad, isn’t it?
It is still bad when you have those on while outside, your
neighbours are screaming at each other, playing royal rumbles, throwing down
each other, splattering blood, causing fires, and calling police who also do
the same thing. The neighbourhood is teared apart by gigantosaurusic voices…
But Nancy, why do you still have those on? It’s bad manners…
I said these as a bewildered Nancy looked at me, then hit me
with her toy magnifying glass. Nasty creatures those child detectives are,
right?
RIGHT?
MEANWHILE, IN OUR UNIVERSE.
(Same scene. The Chemistry book lays open.)
Wait.
I’m alone over here in this room.
Then who the hell just spoke-
Oh. I get it.
I again muttered:
‘Just wait. I will tell you what are parallel universes…’
‘Well, do so, mate.’
I got up. Enough organic today. I walked over to my drawer…
and took out my schizophrenic pills.
Because every time some weird stuff comes up, the mental
illness springs up…
Yeah, it’s tough…having to deal with it,
For 15 hugging years.
***
M.Macabre
06.01.2020
Dedicated to: Rowan Atkinson (Happy Birthday!), Thomas Ridgewell, Nemo
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