Parallelogram 3
(Disclaimer: The 'Parallelogram' series does not in any way mock mental diseases. The writer strongly does support the fact that depression is not 'just a phase', nor does he believe the fact that people are maniacs once they are sent to therapists. This is an inspired anti-Macabre piece.
Have fun!)
Another day
turns into another night.
A Tuesday
night turns into a Saturday night.
(Yeah so?)
And just as
I was about to lie down for the night, I suddenly stooped still.
(haha)
(not funny?
Ok..)
There was
someone.
Some one.
No seriously.
There was a blue coloured ‘1’ standing over there, staying at me with its singular
eyes. It had a singular nose, a singular mouth, a singular nose,
You get it.
It’s singular.
Then, the
singular one stood a singular stand and then singularly looking at me
singularly opened its singular mouth and then singularly asking me:
‘CAN YOU
SINGULARLY TELL ME A SINGULARLY SINGULAR LONG PARALLEL UNIVERSAL STORY?’
I
singularly facepalmed.
MEANWHILE
IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE,
Where
impossibly IMPOSSIBLE events make the headlines.
Let’s look
at some shall we?
(I don’t
care about your opinion by the way…)
Here we go:
1. A 150-year old tree had changed into
a dinosaur and had eaten up half of Istanbul.
2. Political parties have merged into a
single, democratic and friend-to-all party back in India.
3. Up until now, fourteen thousand
bagels have committed suicide either by drowning, murdering themselves, or even
the traditional way – being eaten up (Kinda safe, I say..)
4. People are all of a sudden turning into
man-eating squids and eating up their annoying neighbours in Louisiana.
5. Elephants and seagulls are mating
each other in Africa in the meantime (kinda weird, I say…)
6. The Netherlands has made ‘not making
accidents’ illegal and arrests anyone whose car has no scratchmarks.
7. Australia is on its last stand as
the Sydney Opera House drowns into the ocean.
8. Titanic has returned to its Southampton
port after 109 years of its sinking (and carrying all the dead bodies which is
weird, I say…)
9. Violence increases in the Czech as
more and more people opt for the ‘Opposite Day’ plan, which includes the will
to kill and live.
A man survives 7 rounds of Russian
roulette and gets 7 after flipping a dice back in Moscow.
That’s all
for today, which is to me…
PRETTY
NORMAL, I SAY…
Hmm?
MEANWHILE
IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE,
Where ghosts
only give examinations,
(scene at a
school)
Teacher:
Alright class. You’ve got 60 minutes to finish the test. Don’t try to cheat…anyways
I can’t see you lol. And, start writing!
The class:
(wild
rotating of chairs)
(clamour of
pens)
(papers
whirling around)
(low ghostly
murmurs)
(frightened
and crooked scratching on paper)
In the
meantime, outside:
‘Doctor
Froster, how is she?’
‘Not good,
Bill. Your wife seems to have depression, schizophrenia, is possessed by an
inhuman spirit and every bit of mental illnesses known to mankind.’
‘Oh, I hope
she gets okay…’
‘Yeah…by
the way when did you come?’
‘Um…19th
of March?’
‘That’s the
day you died?’
‘That’s the
day I died.’
‘Hmm’
‘Hmmm.’
(screeching
ghost voices intensify.)
MEANWHILE
IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE
Where no one
has ever heard of herbivores. I’m serious.
Rob was
sitting on his sofa, enjoying some 90s American sitcom being played on the
telly. His sister Jane was reading a book, when suddenly
(COCONUTS?)
‘THUD BUP
DOOM!’
They both
jumped and fell down on the floor.
(lol sorry
for the joke)
After getting
up, Rob was startled to see a thing in the doorway. What the heck in God’s name
was that?
‘Um, Jane…what
is that?’
‘I dunno…it
has a black-and-white coat…hmm…’
‘Yeah, and
it has horns…hmm…’
‘Yeah, and
it has a tail…hmm…’
‘And there
are flies…hmm…’
(some
moments of hmming goes on.)
Then
‘I got it
Rob!’
‘Me too!’
It’s a’
‘SATANIC
DOG!’ They both said it and laughed aloud.
‘Ha ha very
funny.’
‘NOW TAKE
IT OUT JANE.’
‘Sure thing
bro.’ Jane replied.
(shotgun
cocks)
(thing
stares)
(bullet
richochets)
(thing gets
hit)
(thing
gives a peculiar sound – ‘Mooooooo!’)
(blood
squelches and splatters)
(thing
falls)
(siblings
laugh.)
(Evilly
laugh.)
(Satanic
laughter intensifies…)
MEANWHILE
IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE
Where everyone
speaks in one word…
It was six
in the evening as Daniel arrived. Whitney was feeling nervous. This was her
chance.
Her chance
to propose the man of her dreams.
(even
though she had seen only one…still…)
Dan: Hi!
Whit: Hi!
D: Condition?
W: Good.
D: Nocturne.
W: Yeah.
D: Food?
W:
Acceptance.
D: Menu.
A random
waiter: Menu.
W: Yes.
D: Want?
W: Chicken
D: Corona?!
W: Forgiveness.
D:
Acceptance
W: Cheese
D: Pasta!
A random waiter
again: Two?
D: Duo
ARWAA:
Accept
(some minutes
later. While eating.)
W: Dan?
D: Whitney?
W:
Proffesion
D: Oh
W:
Proposal?
D: Thinking
Acceptance!
W: Surety?
D: Yes!
W: Cheer!
D: YODEL!
(Conclusion.)
(Yes.)
MEANWHILE
IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE,
Where one
hears…
(just let
me check)
CONSTANT
DEATH THREATS?
Oh.
That’s like
schizophrenia with extra negative steps.
(or is it?)
Harold
lives alone. The house at the end of 3rd block. Yep, that one.
The camouflaged
building
‘I’m gonna
kill you.’
What the-
Harold
smiled. Just like the normalies..
As he
poured the coffee,
‘WANNA HANG
YOU FROM A NOOSE.’
As he
chewed popcorn,
‘YOU’LL BE
DEAD BEFORE THE YEAR 2100.’
As he
brushed,
‘BLOOD WILL
BE THE ONLY COLOUR YOU’LL SEE.’
And as he
slept,
‘YOU ARE GONNA
DIE.’
To which,
he responded politely,
‘You too,
maggot.’
The voice
stopped.
Yeah that ending
was bad.
I’M GONNA
KILL YOU ANYWAY.
MEANWHILE
IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE
Where it’s
still the Cold War.
It was
afternoon. As Sally walked back from the market, she noticed someone. He was
following her, as if spying
Uh oh, the
landlord.
Sally: Mr.Munro?
L: Sally?
Sally: Y-you
were spying on me.
L: I wasn’t.
S: Don’t make
me unleash my knife!
L: I have a
derringer!
S: Well, I
have a bazooka!
L: Huh? I
have a missile!
S: Well, I
have an H-bomb!!
L:
(screams)
S: (More
screams)
‘I HAVE THE
WHOLE SET.’
It was Kim.
That northern guy.
Sally and
the landlord went away.
Kim
followed them….he had to prepare a report…
The weather
was cold…
AND TENSE.
(The ending is still bad. What is wrong with me?)
MEANWHILE
IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE,
Where
people talk in opposites!
(At a breakfast
table.)
Fanny: Good
morning, James!
James: Bad night,
Fanny?
F: How aren’t
you?
J: I’m
fine. Breakfast?
F: Boiled
eggs!
J: My worst
ever!
F: And your
spoiled milk.
J: My
favourite!
(At the
office.)
Boss: Did you
get it done?
J: No, not
at all.
Boss: That’s
good. Here’s some more.
J: Alright,
no problem.
Boss: Will
you not be able to do it?
J: Yes, I’ll
be able to do it.
Boss: Bad!
(narrator
sees stars. Next one..)
MEANWHILE IN
A PARALLEL UNIVERSE,
Where everyone
cheers about the failures…
Rebecca
woke up from a start as her two sons bustled in from school. It was their
report card day.
‘Well then,
what is your percent, Tom?’
‘95%’ He
said.
‘WhAt?!’
‘Mom, I-I
c-can…’
‘There is
no explanation for this! You got above 90%! I positively told…WHERE DID I GO
WRONG!!
(sad
emotional violin pizzicato.)
‘But Joey…J-Joey…’
‘Oh don’t compare
yourself! Look at him!’
In the
meantime, Joey was having the time of his life – burgers, money, drinks, he was
getting the whole party. These days were the best!
‘Look at
him! He got a 30% this time! And you…and you…YOU PASSED WITH 1ST
CLASS?!’
(EvEn MoRe
SaD vIoLiN pIzZiCaTo.)
{Honestly,
I wish there was something like this…I mean, what the hell’s happened to our
society nowadays…}
MEANWHILE IN
ANOTHER ANOTHER ANOTHER PARALLEL UNIVERSE,
Where
toddlers only know romance…
A lovely
night. The moon was shining on the sky.
John and
Janet were sitting in the meadow, beside the still lake.
‘Oh Janet,
I can’t tell you how…my pacifier’s probably jealous of you!’
‘Oh John, I
can’t tell you too…I sometimes cry for you when you are away…’
‘Yeah…ah,
the times we hosted those dinner parties…but now, it’s over…’
‘Why, my
boo-
‘DON’T CALL
ME BY THAT NAME I’M AFRAID OF IT!’
‘Oh ok, I’m
so sorry…but why my love? You’re the only poem in my book of poetry!’
‘Oh the only
marigold of my sunflower of my chrysanthemum…my mom and pop is not allowing me…ahh….I
so want to be with you, my Milky Way in a bottle…’
‘Well. Mine
too…’ Janet said, wiping a tear away. ‘I guess we have-
‘NO NO NO DON’T
SAY THAT I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!’
‘No, you
whinny, I wasn’t-
‘You called
me a whinny, you horse!’
‘YOU CAN’T CALL
ME A HORSE!’
‘YOU C-CAN’T
CALL ME A W-WHINNY!’
‘WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!’
‘WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
(The
moonlight dies. Jesus.)
MEANWHILE
IN AHHBDHBHUDBUE NO.ED PARALLEL UNIVERSE
Where
baldies LITERALLY explode upon insult or anything they feel offensive.
(The
Americans could have used one of these…but also, they need to exist.)
45-year old
Bill was sitting peacefully on a chair. As he took the first bite of his Mac
(McDonalds is surely good and getting better), he suddenly heard a laugh behind
him.
(uh oh)
Turning
around, he saw 2 boys looking at him, giggling.
‘What’s the
joke?’ He asked (politely 😉)
‘No no
nothing, Sir…’ one of them responded, still giggling.
‘Well?’ he
still asked.
‘It’s just,
it’s just…why DO YOU HAVE THAT BALD, OLD MAN? HUH? HAHAHAHAHA LOL!!!’
They both
laughed out aloud.
And that
was when everyone started to rush out. Even the employees. The speakers screamed:
WE HAVE AN
AVENGERS LEVEL THREAT! I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! (* infinity?)
‘what the-
hey Joe, why is that guy’s face turning red-
‘BADA BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
(That was a
large explosion. Truly an Avengers level threat.)
MEANWHILE
IN OUR UNIVERSE –
‘And that was
how it all ended. Get it, right?’ I called out. I was sweating and freezing at
the same and different time.
There was
no one.
‘1’ was gone.
Where? I’m not Google, so…
Then I
remembered.
A FLASH OF
REALISATION.
‘Well,
hallucination. Huh! I ate too much yesterday, didn’t I? I’m stupid.’
Then,
taking a whiff, I went outside to brush my teeth…
***
M.Macabre
10.01.2021
Dedicated
to: Thomas Ridgewell, Nemo, R.Escreva
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