Parallelogram 4

(So this is an introduction in the style of Michael Jackson's 'Smooth Criminal'. It's horrible.)

'The night was Monday

1 a.m. in the morning, ahh!

Was doing some gramma nazis

Solving syntax and equations...uh!

The clock struck 1.15, it was time for

Getting up, and

Sleeping in my bedroom, but who was this

Oh JESUS, DON’T DON’T-'

 

My life is hated by me.

Life hates me.

 

(sigh)

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where every SINGLE reply is, ‘I’ll tell you later.’

(thank you clownfish for recommending this.)

Yes. You heard it right.

 

Student: Sir, what is the answer of the second sum?

Teacher: I’ll tell you later…

 

Shopper: What is the price of 200g ginger?

Grocer: I’ll tell you later…

 

Friend 1: How are you?

Friend 2: I’ll tell you later….

 

AND SO ON. I guess you get the gist…

 

What you didn’t get it? You want me to explain?

 

Well…

 

 

I’LL TELL YOU LATER.

 

 

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where everyone is a Puritan.

(Jeez its getting weirder.)

York returned to his house when it was eleven o’clock in the night.

Upon entering, the bombs blasted.

No seriously. His roommate had set up all these pesky bombs all over the hut.

‘Frederick! Come thy at once!’

(pUrItAn STOMPING down ThE sTaIrS.)

F: Why dost thou thunder thy vocal cords?

Y: Why dost thou plot bombs all over thy place?

F: To punish thee, to maketh you understandeth the pain that thy bleak heart-

Y: Cometh this time, Frederick! I saith to thee that thy occasion is for 21 above – and no more else…

F: Oh tie up thy mouth, demon! I knoweth what dost thou been doeth! Thy been hanging externally with witches!

Y: I WAS NOT!

F: Yes THEE!

Y: NEINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

F: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

 

(More Puritan curse language.)

 

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where Harry Potter spells are used extensively. It’s fun.

 

‘Mom, I can’t find my baseball!’

‘Accio baseball!’

‘Thank you Mom!’

 

‘So, what do you feel like now?’

‘I’m feel…so depressed…

‘EXPECTO PATRONUM!’

‘…and I feel so happy now! Thank you doc!’

 

 

‘You wanna do this punk?’

‘Yes you idiot.’

‘AVADA KEDAV-

 

(well we know how that gets don’t we?)

 

 

(SECTUMSEMPRA.)

 

 

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where the roles are reversed.

Yes. They are reversed.

It’s strange.

Because after all, you don’t wake up as a student at 6 a.m., then go to school to teach your teachers…

You go to the zoo and see cows behind cages and classified as dangerous carnivores…

You don’t inhale carbon dioxide for sustainably sustained sustainable life…

USSR is Capitalist and USA has adopted Communism…

AND WHERE YOU KILL THE MURDERER WHO WANTS TO MURDER YOU.

 

(My writing style is degrading. Send help.

 

 

 

 

Or don’t.)

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where not vibrating your vocal cords is illegal.

Yuri was sitting on his sofa quite peacefully and was scrolling through his phone, while his brother Chris was making some indistinct sounds-

‘WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’

Wasn’t that a police siren?

And wasn’t that a police officer bursting into his room and shrieking:

‘PUT YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR OR ELSE I’LL SHOOT YOU!’

Yuri – in utter visible spectacular confusion – put his hands up in the air. But the officer still screamed.

‘Wait, now what’s wrong?’

‘PUT YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR….

 

 

AND SCREAM OR SHOUT OR TALK LIKE YOU DON’T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

 

 

(Well, the iron in irony is ironic than the ironic iron.)

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where PAPER GUNS ARE REAL.

(Scene at a dueling field.)

Man 1: You’re sure daring, Jimmy. But ol’ man Jac will win this patch of arse!

Man 2: We’ll see it, ol’ Jacob. What have you got?

Man 1: I’ve got me a colt. You?

Man 2: A paper derringer.

Man 1: Ha! What you are gonna do with that? I expect it to fly it out from when I count down casually from 3, 2, 1-

 

(CCCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-AAAAAAAAAAAAA-CCCCCCCCCCCCC-KKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!)

(Man 1 collapses.)

 

Man 2: I told ya…don’t give me that count.

 

I TEND TO SHOOT DOWN PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THAT. I’M NO MURDERER BY THE WAY.

 

 

HA.

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where astronomical elements enter people’s houses unexpectedly

AND ARE CONSIDERED NORMAL.

As Ron sat down with his friends for the third get-together, they immediately began chattering about their favorite topic: Falling objects.

Alyssa: Did ya know last night, there was 15 km sized nebula entering my house and completely shell-shocking me!

James: Woah, really? Say that to my 30 kilo space mobile which struck me on forehead and making me unconscious!

Diana: I don’t know if that happened, but why in the hell would a ring of Saturn come hovering by, trying to amorously talk with me, and then strangling me?

Derek: Don’t know man…I mean look at me – I got 13 asteroids, 12 meteorites and 11 comets blasting through my house! No damage tho…but damn…

Al: Weird…Hey Ron, did you get anything like this?

Ron: Well, I, uh…I…

J: Come on, tell us! We’re friends man!

Ron: Well….

 

 

I HAD A 7-POUND SHOOTING STAR, A 6-KG METEORITE SHOWER, 5 ALIENS, 4 APOLLO SPACECRAFTS, 3 GIGANTIC COMETS, 2 MILLION GRAMS OF SPACE DUST, AND HALF A MILLION OF ELEMENTS FROM EACH OF THE 17 PLANETS WE HAVE NOW.

 

(Everybody gasp. Stand still.)

 

 

(BIG GASP. STAND STILL.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where everyone…um…just stares.

Yeah, it’s kinda – normal, right?

I mean, Tiara is staring at you.

 

 

 

(She is staring at you.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(You might get creeped out.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(But hear this.)

 

 

 

 

 

(She is still staring.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(But…)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(AT THE THING BEHIND YOU.)

 

 

 

 

(And, she still stares.)

(Great.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN ANUHDYUEYDEUE NUMBERED PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where things take a dark turn.

 

George had just returned from the hospital he looked happy.

G’s mom: Welcome home sweetie! How were the tests?

G: It was all good, Mom! I scored the full marks!

G’s mom: (visibly surprised) All of them?

G: All of ’em.

G’s mom: ALL OF THEM?

G: All of them, Mom! Now leave me alone for some time…

(Thumpy thumping George climby climbing up the stairy stairs noisy noises)

G’s mom: (Gets up)

(phones up someone.)

‘Hey honey. What happened?’

‘Ben, our fear has been confirmed.’

‘What?’

‘He has been tested positive for every bit of demonic, mental, and viral diseases.’

‘Oh no…well, there is only one thing to do now…’

‘But Ben..Ben…’

‘TAKE HIM OUT.’

‘But…but…’

(phone disconnects)

(Mom contemplates. Then…)

(rifle cocking)

I’ll do my duty.

 

 

 

 

(LOUD RIFLE NOISIER NOISY BLOODY NOISES)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN ANDCNDIVURBVYRBIUVEBVYEBVEUIBVEOI NUMBERED PARALLEL UNIVERSE

Where anti-school wishes are actually true.

When Rajan woke up in the morning, he realized that it was Monday.

(oh damn.)

He had done anything – studied for the science test, practiced for P.Ed, nor is ready to learn anything next…

(life suck I know.)

If only the school was destroyed by a supersonic North Korean Missile supervised by that American war pilot who did the Hiroshima-Nagasaki bombings…and it was suddenly overrun by the elements of Jumanji…

But nah, that’s never gonna happen.

(The school’s never gonna say goodbye.)

As he dressed, he heard his father:

‘Raj, come down quickly!’

As he clambered down the stairs, he heard something.

The news was something about his school.

Yes, yes it was his school only! But what the-

‘Our reporter had just informed us that North Korean plane containing two hydrogen bombs had just been dropped accidently on top of BMV High School…no one knows who the pilot is and another plane has disappeared…and just 2 minutes later, events which were shown in Jumanji had suddenly started to come out in real life…more on this on the 9 o’clock news…

‘Woah, that’s pretty weird.’ Rajan’s father commented.

Meanwhile, Rajan did what Kevin from ‘Home Alone’ did when he found out that his parents had forgotten to take him…

 

(HAPPINESS IS FINALLY KNOWN!)

 

 

 

MEANWHILE IN OUR UNIVERSE…

I can’t believe it.

No, seriously, how?

Ok, the voice in my head is fine…a feminine voice coming out of nowhere is fine…even a blue coloured ‘1’ is also also fine…

But seriously, I had been talking to myself all this time!

THAT’S PRETTY – WEIRD RIGHT?

But wait. Hold on.

What was that buzzing sound in the sky?

What was the North Korean flag doing in the sky?

But then, that means…that means…

 

 

 

 

 

OH GOD.

 

 

 

 

HELP ME.

***

M.Macabre

13.01.2020

Dedicated to: Thomas Ridgwell, Nemo, Redi